justwrite 12 january

last night I had a dream or maybe I had awake it was the feeling of my heart beating too loudly there was someone outside my bedroom door and what’s more I wanted to pound from the inside and scare him away and say don’t think no one hears you because I do but then I remembered that there is no lock on the door and when you press on it it pushes outward and if I pounded I would open this door and I could not get out of bed to start with and if I did what would I do and if everything outside of this room was stolen what would I still have and it’s lucky I grabbed my coat earlier and now it’s on the other bed instead of hanging it up out there in the unsafe there is no way to tell what sounds fell on my ears to set this into motion but I went to bed early and I guess I just won’t do that again that’s a destructive behavior right there and who cares if you sleep more if you can’t store up those hours straight through and what scares you wakes you up in the night and binds you with fright my heart was pounding and I thought this is what it feels like this is anxiety I have no immunity there was confusion and maybe illusion but I laid quite still until the danger passed and I have no recollection of whether I redirected my thoughts successfully or if I simply fell asleep deep in that cold dark fear nearer to the pillow than the door nearer to the dark than security and what and who and how and why but mostly if and when