It is on the way home from what feels like it might be the week's 27th grocery run -- not bad for a lazy holiday -- and what is definitely the week's last grocery run -- having already managed thirty minnutes out of the house once the sun went down, errands and quick retreat on this hot times! last Saturday night of the year -- that I was struck. It was at the red light and reached for the unopened half gallon of one percent chocolate milk, which was just before a total stranger pulled up in the next lane and I knew --even in the dark -- he would glance over at me in shocked judgement (can't she at least wait to get home first?) and I would spill all over myself as honking behind jerked me into the shortlived reality of the left-turn lane.
Friday, December 28, 2018
Thursday, December 27, 2018
I spent a dollar fifty on optimism today and that's exactly all I got. Six quarters worth in plastic digital chip form, underwarmed by the second dryer -- trying but not very hard, umpteenth time and more. And yet, somehow, felt better for the purchase, although despair is cheaper and pessimism free.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Monday, December 24, 2018
a year in this notebook and won't look back too closely over the dips and trips -- slipping up and sliding down like an underground animal cracker housed like a foundation of devastation and also hollowness the way best described as down and also the certainty that someone else deserves better -- the missing weather when the climate fell off and the cough that never quite went away -- play and rewind a dozen times to the same scene and we've seen it all before like a door shutting on your finger but still you linger as it happens -- never fast enough or trying much to pull it back -- harm's way and home again, stranded by hope and cast off like disappointment coming around the bend
Sunday, December 23, 2018
a small step slipping shipshape into slipshod slapdash excuses -- the caboose is rolling in but the passengers have no time to get onboard to step aside to simply ride on to the next destination -- the stretched imagination of those blurred by rain and wonder -- torn and turn and misunderstood by design -- a fine unpaid and a string that's afraid not all can be solved -- hard going with no knowing what's next --
Saturday, December 22, 2018
to recycle metaphors the score was unsettled so the lights went out and the tables turned like clockwork disregard unwashed and lazyoiled for the creaking hand that feeds the mouth that cannot shut like a ridge unridden and a path forked by knives alive and sharp as goodbye
Friday, December 21, 2018
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Monday, December 17, 2018
Sunday, December 16, 2018
no doubt there is another way but it's hard to see from here and no path is clear enough to travel with closed eyes and no surprise but some other sort of ramble turns tangled and high tails but failing again to form the edges and lost in hedges I planted myself I toast the health of those ahead and wish the best to all those beyond the door --
Saturday, December 15, 2018
breaking down and also we apart but within bounds around the corners and under siege like a league of untying nations in consternation and deep steep to stew the truth free of metrics and also beyond abandon -- a stand-in for sensibility and a filled cheese danish worn out with the effort of socialized delivery -- sniveling with the unlikeliness of it all --
Friday, December 14, 2018
I want to see better hear feel know better but in the way there are cloudy headlights and passive passing passing on and out and up without the thought stepping in or up or beyond the expectations -- the collections of disappointed out of jointment jangled by confusion lend illusions to the constellations -- the dots that don't quite connect
Thursday, December 13, 2018
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Monday, December 10, 2018
up and down but also somewhere in the middle the idea that we feel better with less is tested and the rest seems historically inaccurate though the jacket fruits and the maple poles like a trolley unforeseen and undeserved like the swerving between lanes in the backwoods dark or the park we used to meet in like defeating some other future like the sutures we can't see from here or the lima beans we'll never see in the same way again --
Sunday, December 9, 2018
and sometimes if you just keep going you may end up closer after all although it's hard to tell where and to know quite why and further answers to key questions but the odd dimensions surely soon must measure up although still quite hard to see what color the blueprint will turn in the end --
Saturday, December 8, 2018
as it breaks down we shake down the feathers and ups the pillows -- the will of the winds and the turn of the tides with nowhere sure but the hidden beach combovers and lawnotes a float with expectation -- the situation unstoned overturned hightailed and neverfail alarm clocks the stock of renegades and B-roll tolling not for bells and waiting much too long for tea --
Friday, December 7, 2018
For the past thirty hours or so -- although who’s counting? -- the idea of jelly donuts has appeared recurringly in my mind’s eye. It’s better than actual jelly donuts appearing over and over again in my hand -- and then, most likely in my stomach… although jelly donuts are more messy than tasty, given the choice… although, handed a jelly donut, it’s probably a natural choice to eat it. Who am I kidding?
When someone tries to deliver bad news, they have to be really really skilled not to let the cat out of the bag too soon. Only metaphors and cliches will do in this case, and -- in this case -- I’m using a meta-mataphor to set it up. Mindblowing, really.
So your back… so your discs… like jelly donuts… and between these, the jelly has been drying out… with age (Q: What age do you call 38? A: Exactly.)... and if it was just those two spots we could… but down here… this donut is completely flattened… all the jelly is squeezed out on this side… 1.5 cm… which is actually a lot… nerves… compression… etc.
So: jelly donuts as an exercise in compassion.
Except I’m pretty sure I’ll never eat another jelly donut again.
and then i woke from a dream of being asleep and it was hard to figure what else I could possibly dream of instead and to a better effect but it soon became clear the blank stayed empty and i laylie in it to curl up but i didn't quite fit in the short space and so i placed my faith in some other structure and sutured together the present with the past while the last common denominators between now and later multiplied their variables and subdivided their times --
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
and it turned out that was all there was -- to reflect on without doing any new or right or good -- to carry on with a path collapsed into pixels and reformatted with a stradivarius intention but a nickeldime tune -- a night of mourning and a circle we can't square -- not sure if this is my stop here --
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Monday, December 3, 2018
Sunday, December 2, 2018
although the logic is not there a strong sense of overwhelm bans against the common sense and batters ramparts already unsteady with overuse and disabused notions of strength -- a tent in a storm keeping warm by candlelight on a rainy night split by frightening sadness and also the fear that nothing is clear but the end which is always with us and the stars that miss us in the dark --
Saturday, December 1, 2018
but now it will be dark to rights well enough to be left alone like an unstone overearned turned from pencil to pretzel like twisted words unheard and seldom said again -- I planned this all differently but that's not how it goes -- we show ourselves to be lacking in tracking all the guesses for the mess is more than the blueprints worth and rehearsals never went like this