31 july

fading on the one side out of newness
stale and inducing overcaution
fear for the shakeup breakdown of slight imbalance
comfort wearing thing
7 out of 10 times the feeling of intruding, wasting
all in my head except when it's not

30 july

assurance of discontinuance


and

other notes left in the car:

elasticity of substitution
correlation is not causation
what is it that brings you joy
joy is a strong word
leaving on a lighter note

29 july

once you start backward the whatifs and shouldawoulds plus whynots and howcoulds -- it's fascinating and seemingly impossible that any of us could have come to the point where we are and by this i mean me and i see how it sounds and the ego abounds but still and all the call is to continue and so it spills on and tumbling i reach for the floor and find it in the sky

28 july

sometimes it's just in my head, i know, but sometimes i can't tell if i'm looking forward to the weekend because it will be quieter or if i am better with the week because i know what to do and it is in the quiet after everyone else has left that i know i can relax and accomplish but then it is also time to sleep the end

27 july

the expectation that things will be done right that the question will be answered correctly that the right puzzle pieces have been cut to fit together, the sprockets and the gears and the wheels go round until they don't til halt and choke and nevermore/nevermine

26 july

but before i go to sleep a few lines about the metro the subway the space between and the hot cars when the sun streaks in aboveground in the face of just one passenger per car / it is air conditioned but the condition of the air is not such that i would apply similar settings at home and i have gone out and made goodfaith efforts

also i've noted that the goodnights i'm getting are drier gradually and also cooler, somewhat more static, too -- reminding me i should do laundry and also pull something or other together

25 july

all the while i am wondering how to get out of this and also why i feel the need to consider escape which makes me wonder where i would be escaping to anyway as if there is such a space without worry or need to balance or fear of disappointing self or others or really if anything more could be asked for than a wakeup that brings no concerns following that brief blissful second of alighting consciousness --

today while driving i suddenly came to and had no idea where i was or how i had ended up there one second and then two maybe three it was at least before i found a trigger point to drop the pieces back into place and i could continue on into a recognizable reality --

24 july

because i need to or i want to i can be much more charming i can avoid the looks i would be ashamed to see reflected in any mirror and further i could avoid talking back the childhood vice the sin that never set too far over the horizon yes but sometimes i need to let it all out

23 july

politely through the parking lot -- adding creativity as patience subtracted -- public radio pairs and groups with leftover hummus and garlicky breath, wine-splattered white Toms and sandals of all heights -- conversational familiarity with the stars, downhome because they meet us weekly, appointment listening -- one pair on the trunk watching the streams trip fantastically over each other until the flashing lights arrive to take turns and play nice -- shaking us out of the suddenly memory and back to the facts of ourselves (and the time and the next morning which might involve a biscuit as needed)

22 july

but while i load pictures i am dropping words the spillover is enormous and the lean in toward the pillow the desktop is a landscape built of three rooms more time in the office kitchen than my own put on weight to take it off but treat yourself take care of yourself and let the chips fall tasty as they may all the answers and suggestions to un-asked thoughts and questions

21 july

and when i see that i'm already on the other side it seems so simple to shrug modestly but the second mile the first few sun A's the overwhelm of names an onslaught that all ought to seem more approachable knowing full well there's another side but it's a hard road to cross while you're still in the middle

20 july

once you get into your head that popsicles are good for you in the summer even though the fruit and juice are held together with frozen sugar and color it is easy to develop a two-pop-per-day habit or even three in some cases when the air conditioning seems to sigh in even momentary resignation even as it heaves toward mechanically striving to foll your needs and keeping you from catching even a warm sharp whiff of the apple cider vinegar waiting in a mason jar in the kitchen counter to draw in the fruit flies that have exceeded the bounds of polite company and good sense and made more than a passing effort at invading because their freezers are not stocked with popsicles and apple cider vinegar in air conditioning might be the next best that they could do

19 july

overall i would say a success
although the frustration of another sorry while driving away in record heat was almost too much to answer the phone with when it rang to answer the question which i should have known no need to ask but still and again i do and the noise and heating of interruption and apology was the realization of how often i would rather take myself out of the situation than juggle around and do-si-do so it goes and i drive off alone texting apologies to myself never received shrugged off by an apology of extravagance after i have spent the morning striving to save but thrift is not the soul of anything so play on

18 july

and how did you two meet is the question asked churning for conversation tell us a joke didn't get it i don't have a joke but you should just giggle anyway puckery lemon tart i am too smart to buy alone let me drink more water in slower sips i am nodding the fact of finding each other of making a space together it's not his son so teaching him to drive was different i was wallowing and angry and polishing the dining room table with lemon oil after six months my daughter told me to get a life and isn't that a thing to say do you know what kind of pizza this is yes i ordered it she made the cookies and put notes on top but i put plastic on top and when i pulled it off the notes came off too

17 july

to open up
is to realize how closed feels
all the negatives fencing in
cannot not good enough fit enough failing
melting away the cold fear, the complacent disappointment
cooling fresh, a coconut popsicle

16 july

the to-do lists to be done
strung out from pile to pile
set against blank walls
why bother hanging anything
soon enough i won't be here anymore

louder than expected this line echos and i wonder - is this what i have in mind? no sense to leave a trace, a trail? i am childless, without property, holder of no patents, sharing my name only in the middle degree with my niece and millions of others for that matter but what does it matter to leave anything behind? taking up space is only that. books unread and rhymes lost forever.

15 july

it is literally a pill i cannot swallow
more than space allows for
antibiotic
indeed
mind struggle to justify
prescription to fill
swallow and again and still
stretch, twist, wait, hope

14 july

but after i set the table
i wondered what
was for dinner
who would be dining
if i had brought groceries
what day it might be
how to spell my name
if there were prettier napkins somewhere

13 july

really
it's just the idea
usually it's enough
but to touch the edge
taste it
feel it pressing down
closing the curtain
dropping submerged into static freeze frame
an aquarium from which i cannot escape
and even
then
to shine the light
display
here i am
in all my static shambles

9 july

but looking the other way
  i thought all i saw was dark
really
 i was to find out
it was mostly just space --

8 july

but afterward
i will be uncertain
when and how it started
one pile from this desk to another on that one
a popsicle before bed
temporary cure for a sore throat
later to waken me -- hot, raw --
  for more

7 july

tire me out up on
i will drain roll wonder
wishful for what's gained
forgetting to note loss

6 july

and finally
when i had the time
i laid it all out
stretched across the floor
seconds and whole minutes
quarter hours in a row
full hours proud and untethered
i tended each carefully
drafting its future
pressing my designs upon these forms
angles and approaches and
then it was dark --
  to sleep

5 july

to say
with any guise of certainty
there are only two states:
happy and sad
is to blur past
blurred days
uncatalogued in complexity
shades of waterfall varieties
undiagnosed truths and uncertainties
blooming indignities and maturing recollections
to slur the notes together in legato presses
and yet

4 july

episodes of believe, uncertainty by subscription
ours to wonder why
time and place and other variables
crowds gathering gasping departing
lights and music
over and again, spectacles
a rerun and a sixpack
buying back some other - somewhen
                                          somehow
                                          somewhy

3 july

struggles to keep up
pressing on past eyes into dark
now, on blanker days, sleep
morning and afternoon
honeycolored air
softening time
no schedule to work around
hours bend and the pillow gives

2 july

as if there were a right answer
i could find in the perfect combination of words
clothing that would make the difference
a diet that would/an exercise plan that could
i am missing the passport stamps
the pedigree and education
a salary of such degrees of zeroes
medals and badges and awards
what else could it take
to overcome the mirror

1 july

moving my lips my ears seem to close
i am tired and this suggests more sleep
heating cooling the sunon lemonade
while the contrast is high the resolution is irrelevant
i will not apologize for listening
rather let me
apologize me when necessity dictates and not before