justwrite 1 april

when I wake up in the morning and realize right away that the sound I hear is someone beating a rug clean in the courtyard playground in front of my building I know that I’m adjusting I don’t think that it’s a fairly slow and methodical basketball game or freeshooting going on or perhaps a large and unexpected animal slowly clomping its way into range it’s not that I’m adjusting in the way that means I know what’s going on but there are some clues I can use consistently there are some turns in the bazaar that I am starting to remember and however many wrong words I say today I know that I can buy a ticket or an envelope and get back home safely even if sometimes I ask give me please a ticket with stamps to the united states because even though she might look at me like I need a little bit more help than the average customer she’s right in this case I do and it’s true that I appreciate it when she remembers my name the next time it’s just find to feel a little confused I know it’s an illusion that grows and comes and goes with the minute or the day and there’s no way to say if I’ll get it or feel out of sorts sorting out all sorts of minutes to a meeting that I’m just suddenly attending having no agenda or script having been stripped of basic skills and filled with desire to do something positive but melting occasionally over the details that fail to materialize we sigh and smile our eyes out at the others passing by we take pictures and pretend not to be tourists I pretend that I’m living here and knowing what’s going on and when I do my best it’s usually enough although sometimes that bluff is called and I want to haul out a giant flag and say look! I’m not from here! give me a break! but it’d be much better to stake a quieter claim and repeat the same words more clearly or try some other ones instead because it’s probably not that they’re hearing the wrong things it’s probably got a lot to do with what’s coming out of my mouth we’ll say so let’s play easier to get and bet all our marbles our handheld candles on a clean and whitewashed tomorrow