justwrite 18 august

This is the time I should be spending in other ways the stray minutes rushing off and I cannot keep up the right habits there’s no excuse I’m not busy I should be telling you what I think what I have to say letting thoughts flow instead of choking up on otherwise and rhyming nonsense I am tried of being unproductive and yet my production value is little I have washed the dishes today and really I’m nothing but in the way I feel at this point there were two dots and a line between but now three and I’m trying angles but the addition doesn’t go and the numbers fall out I am doubting my sense of self even while proclaiming initiatives we the people who are me are planning to working on and furthermore henceforth and forever more for the rest of the day I am eating better I am working out more maybe I lost weight and maybe I am busting it out just like one two in and out the trainer calls and the flatscreen action is the kind that pulls me in I am working in a small space and chasing sense out of sentences I am tired of feeling I ought to be better than I am and if I cry while washing the dishes there is no need to comment on it if I go to sleep early because there is no why not then there is no anyway if I can do it I will and if I can get out of the way I will I am a professional at helping but cannot stand the mirror it is clearer than ever but the casual words sting and the thought is not included the breezy flippancy of occupation the characterization of other sorts of success and when I will ever wear those new clothes with new hose and a fire truck too I am against lowered standards and also rejection my sense of self-protection drifts and I am floating again remembering what it’s like to be alone and yes I am loved I am cocooned but when I think of what I would rather be doing and where I would rather be and who I would rather be with I go blank the screen blinks and I close my eyes there are games to play breath to hold laps to run and I will be there in the morning