justwrite 22 september

now I am making a speech I see my words reaching the audience I wonder I pause there is no applause no laughter there is a reaction I’m not attracted to but still I keep speaking maybe it’s a dream but the themes seem relevant recently I find dreaming seeming to lean closer to reality and the now steps off talks back and wanders farther off the track toward elsewhere but not the sainted album not a problem I’ve already solve but a corner I thought I might not have to turn I had planned to earn something future from this spending of the past and I mean this in a classy sense not recompense but future tense in a hopeful way but the play’s acts were lost track of passively it seems now to me and I’ve got to remember all the negatives so that they get developed it’s hard to tell it’s easier to smell and the situation could turn frantic it’s much less romantic or maybe more from a different angle but I’m not trying for geometry just diplomacy and sense and I’d like something workable like clay but the kind that stays when you stick it not baked but fixed a little and if there needs to be a push if you shush the silence all you create is noise if you’re playing alone you might want some toys or some plans or at least a good window I am tired and scared and unprepared but this is just the surface and I have eaten pizza and done some confessing it’s just now that I’m stressing let’s say ten times a day to think about and to wander out of the right space to a darker place to assess to test is there something next or less of the same is there a drain or a pipe coming up and how to get out of this mode where the explosions turn into navel-gazing phrasing when here I could get clear of this steerage and plant something worth growing now I am throwing out the trash now I am recycling now I am building now there are other verbs I’m going to have to use but the truth is I probably know them the truth is I can easily show them off in any sort of scene and I mean I am not a fool even when I act like them I’m only a little of that sort of dumb and I deserve maybe not to be served but to pick what I’ll be eating what greetings to exchange what meetings to be made and I will set the parameters measure the diameter of my confidence the preponderance of things to say and those to be kept in I will sink and I will swim and I will lay my motives down I will wear a crown of applesauce and I will toss the keys into the river there are other things to be done but these will start the departure open the aperture and let the light in press and expose and see what develops