justwrite 15 january

watching this film and thinking I am thinking how true when you can’t tell what to do and you feel shuffled in the head stringing words and thoughts through sleepless nights it seems like everyone around you has got it so together has weathered every storm or worse has never seen a storm but knows just how to navigate and their teeth look just right no wonder she is frustrated with their knowitallism because they really do know it all and they are movie stars too they are silvering the screen with slivers of brilliance and not only have they pearls of wisdom but they love her even while they point out some swiney thoughts she may be having they grab at strings and weave together a silken garment they dress her in ideas and anyway anyway let’s not get carried away with language as is so often the case but really is it better to be looking for answers or to be looking for nothing because if you are looking for nothing than nothing is what you’ll find but when you’re looking for answers you find them everywhere in every word someone on the street says in every movie book quote song there are so many ways to tell ourselves the answers and yet we keep asking other people and always the same questions and I see this in myself too and I’d like to give it up but to ask is to be involved and to step back is to let it all pass by and it’s easy when you’re in a movie even if it’s a true-life story adapted for the screen because someone you’re waiting for looking for without even knowing it is just around the next turn really humming along and about to clip you off the road sweep you off your feet in a neat trick really if it doesn’t hurt you too much and there you are all set up and it’s just a cup of bitterness maybe with the first knee brush-off but there’s nothing to scoff at when the realizations set in there’s plenty to enjoy but no more ploys just straight out with it what’s the answer and why does it have to be hard to find it or what is the question and why can’t we ask the right one and really how hard is it to just sit still I am smiling will I get it this time I am lighting a candle I am handling my opinions gracefully but still in an empty space the ideas that place themselves around me surround like trees and lean in making shade or even darkness we wait on the park benches and wonder how the fountains keep doing that and wonder if the fountains wonder why we keep doing what we do on and on in circles spouting ideas into the ears of others so they’ll turn back and give us the same in response ensconced in the guarantee of shared opinions strengthening original resolve but solving nothing just looking within is difficult because it’s dark and even when it’s light it’s hard to pick out the pieces that are right and what to make of them anyway?