30 september

self-improvement schemes and themes repeated again. again. dense fog south with college station blues. the rich full static of authenticity. all women. crooning. crying. careening. threading through trucks, dreaming of writing parking by a deepwarning pool across from a school bus fleet. 2 am unlock from leaning old clerk with a bloodshot kindliness, shuffling to address the lowdown latch that causes so many people trouble. loud cartoons next door. end of the row. wellworn key card sleeve. room 123. imagining quiet and sense. dreaming instead of quiet.

29 september

because there is not just one place to go home to -- always there are strangers who welcome, always there are people you know who have no idea where you are -- answer the ones who ask -- return the favor

27 september

in practice there is more runaround excusemaking than usually shows up in theory -- the way the camera follows you in slowmo -- the way you see a beet salad and wish it was the other one -- the disappointment in seeing something perfect for sharing with some other and realizing too fast that would be impossible -- all the plans jumbled up and piled in by craft fairs -- all the plans to carry out and sell on etsy -- coffee cup rings and tiny poems -- framed//caffeinated verse -- for coffee or for verse -- so many perfect theories that i ought to dive into to immerse myself in crafting and creating -- how to flatter -- how to vary -- all the writing and all of the art!

26 september

at the literacy council again
building goal sets for english language learners
be SMART
life, not textbooks
and yet
myself
adrift
graphic organizers
notwithstanding
not standing

25 september

birthday again
better to celebrate than hide
where there are no alibis
far beyond the reasons why
waiting for a message
i won't know how to answer
give up all the pieces
give back all the backlog
clear the decks
raise the rent
pull back the carpet
red and re-read
i have no questions to be cleared
i would like to know less
there are too many darknesses
close my eyes and escape
too tired to find a path
heartbroken steps and cliches

24 september

by the time i slowed to know
no picture of the sky
the sun was still there
still setting
waiting for my next move
unaware of my existence
orbits unrelated
scenes unscripted
is this take three
or was that the final cut
nougat and other mysteries
a bestselling story collection
someday to be written
i am for poetry
short and wordsplattery
feeling and then done
i am for novels
stretching out and tangling
whose woods these are
in greater detail
testing out realities
the short story still enigmatic
no need for definitions
plot or character or done in one sitting
the pleasure of a sneeze
the satisfaction of waking up
pressed down by layers
duvet and comforter and darknes
there is nothing to be afraid of
there is no reason to think twice
onward outward inward off
turn the channel and strike the chord
cannot get off easy
cannot say any more
got it all out now again?
ready to refill
never with hot ashes
                  hot oil
                  frozen feet
                  fears of further loneliness

23 september

no more mapping the sky
the earth must turn itself
i am out of orbit, out of sorts
why i thought there were more pages --
a sitcom that lasts only
17 minutes --
hello?
always a went-wrong list
always melt to sadness
anger too much to muster
no one wants to be the bad guy
but if you cannot walk away
i close my eyes
should know
should have known
should try
should be
should never
entertaining the thought of slee
so deep i come up on the other side
fresh
-- another word tainted --
cry myself to nowhere:
i cannot sleep
work until i fall
put it all in a box
beg for the language to get it done
because take a risk
because no one knows what will happen
because you've already given up -- months ago
because so many better option, newly arrived and exes in wings
because forever watching love grow ended sooner than i thought
because i want a present and not only past and future
because i have to be honest
because i was born to be lonely

22 september

nowhere else to go with that, really
closing the door on a YES
a please
maybe i'm

only forward

worn out wringing words, long-since diced and hung for the sun to forget
the time when / you always / we never

bucket full of whynot

good for you
good for you

static for the fallen
black and white and mostly gray

21 september

positive, but negative
as heard, only negative
negative to the extreme
goodbye and don't call me back
goodbye and forget this number
good bye i have plenty of beter options
reading and listening are not the same as genuine understanding of what has been written or said
i am wrong, always wrong
bad timing
poor control
lack of sense in holding tongue or letting loose
i will not be controlled
i won't let love disrupt corrupt or interrupt me
and yet
of course i care
of course i shiver cold and flash anger

20 september

i miss you too

and what that means
anyone's guess
life full up
not for lack of effort
made case
clear
still
struggling to regain balance
wondering back to a time
balanced
no emptiness to tip the scale
who is the why
every breath
cycle

tell me what you need to say

19 september

9:35 at the literacy council
bring us your volunteers
boiled coffee and a cup of grapes
crossed eyes and rolled eyes
working on my posture
folding chair
i have a family
knowing the right words
repeat, review, recycle
i think i'll say it again
the feeling of a headache coming
always planning potential escape
cope in advance, don't plan to fail

18 september

and when i come home
the laundry is still not done
i am afraid to turn on the light
in the kitchen in case the bugs
have taken over because i am
too tired to do anything about
it if they have and i don't
then i won't sleep for all the
grossed-out worry
back to the coffee shop
back to the phd
are we done here yet?
no one is fooled
gaining too much without benefitting
taking in and carrying around, piling on
to sleep and to dream
to believe and to see other options
heading toward the door
                                dark
                                stars

17 september

but the enchantment of a window seat was so striking i was struck by the simplicity of my own hopes - stretching out across the country toward a whiter pile of pillows and generally a comforter to comfort well beyond the ridiculous foot cloth that stripes a panel of carefully coordinated color at the bottom of the bed - but what is more is how unclear the check-in can be, how fast people drive in Texas - presumably to cover the space - or maybe to show of their cars, how many ways you can go down the hall and up the stairs before you find your room, your car, or the rental garage exit - space without escape, closing the night to sleep

16 september

cautious is the word i would use currently - i'd almost say 'with a side of optimism' but that's too much - maybe like 'i see optimism on the menu at a glance but i don't really want to examine its ingredients too closely, much less think seriously about ordering it' - jealousy has got to go - getting past and over it and feeling like i have my own piece - enough pie to keep me warm at night, as it were - the tire provides protection and safety - insulation from consideration of getting too close - no need to overexpose - we'll see how it all develops

15 september

make good decisions - the collisions we address and the static we cling to - lingering longer than alabaster table weights - the aces in spades not to mention any other cards - any other cards - any other suits won't suit as well - tell me something good and i will neighborhood your kitchen counter - i want to organize your eggplant and take the table out to lunch - crunch the numbers and bring home the alphabet for dinner with the family - no exercise but pies, no alligators but maybe later - let me lift the circus tent - the pole i meant to bring to bear, the apple filled with cheese - let me put the kettle on and light the lamppost red - i have answered all the letters and popped all the corn while the rhythm starts to change up and the smiley face gets worn - warning signs and bright suggestions: neon makes the grade, haircuts get the fade and the roots are all squared away with the duty clerk

14 september

morning
many decisions
listening responding
part of something else
bigger
challenge
early and late and relativity in spades
pledged our parts
opened doors to explore
waiting for a mention
question
outreach
connections
instead corrections
adjustments

brighter suns to fade
set and bet against the tide
no one wants a rescue

truth in all its incarnations
uniting nations
dividing loves and tongues and strung-along believers
deceivers and hopefuls
blew the whistle too soon
grooming the minutes for acceptance
denial still easier
turning away from longing

play games, stay the same - nothing sense to tame

13 september

no need to hold breath - there is nothing else ot happen today realer than now - no need to rush away, no good to be late - be in and on and keep close track of how you feel in such a scene - evidence, if you need, but mostly memory - narrating the excitement of everything around, delighting in the naming of things - to love a child, to be a child - listen closely, live in small pieces at a time - step by carry by bug by boat by fish by boo-boo by bubbles by dog by mommy by daddy by mimi by HAPPY

12 september

a tall tall ship and a star to sail her by

what else do people what? need?
to get out of life?
to leave behind?

vision of a coffin in the cool windy shadow of rain
covered in flowers
surrounded by family

how much to give
sometimes hoping to receive
getting too little
at least to be satisfied

trying to be true and kind
also to myself

bluffing the listener
twisting the sense

how to rearrange the molecules
fool memory
plainly see not what is there

11 september

the next day of the first of your life and you rest - easing into perception - relaxing out of conceptions previously held to be genuinely developed - seeking to give what is earned and sometimes more but sometimes to step back and to know that there are brighter paths - the view is not clear only one one day: the date is not the difference - chance to take and change to break down from all he other parts - the stops and also starts - ours to wonder why and also to sometimes something or something about - doubts and also reckoning - beckoning other days forward for the celebrating - no candle to handle, no brighter ship to sail - we fail ourselves when we bluff too toughly - yes, i hurt - yes, i fail - yielding all the pretty pennies, shining into pools - honest eyes and wishing wells - kinder ways to mail out the announcements - now we see our answers, multiply selected/highly misdirected and questions for review - for you and you the thanks compile - endeavors to endeavor toward and a cleaner mouth for soap - hope and other bubbling words - float above away

10 september

wrapping up i would note some loss this year - the colleagues and friends and family departed or distanced and also rising star of blonde child energy, new closeness of friends - a relationship rediscovered, uncovered, and now re-covering again, on the way to recovery - these are the things to look forward to, to lean backward from - i am cold and i do not sleep well, do not say the right things or weigh the right dress the right hair the right to write my own ticket - the last year with writing on the lower level - escalate!

9 september

alarm turned all the way down
aching legs and whirring mind
switch worrying to whirring to off: the big idea

corgi is taking his couple for a walk
short flutter strides
all the kings dogs and all the king's walkers
trying to put morning together
yet
each version leaks a little
trots and waddles and falling over

thought of not being forgotten

keep moving

8 september

sleepless night and one of the real questions is WHAT IS THE POINT - processing a haircut through dozens of reflections, some unpolished, some unseeing - the drive home enough to cry through, turning up the radio to focus on else, to fill up the empty - chasing space to replace with sunken seats and TV screens - the wait for no kind of answer - hopeful for rain - wishing into the coolquiet halfway between dishwasher and crickets - tired legs that have done no work - hurrying into space through space - chasing nothing and not being chased - nothing to dream of - shakespeare twisting through the dark in knotted sonnets

7 september

process dark in the darkness
roll over
slight splash
morning

active waiting

lowering hope
like a tent pole

watch the clouds to stars

lonely with memories

6 september

emptiness of a weekend
no arms outstretched
finding space open up
unsure where from
growing
between good nights
morning
what may come
tired of being in last place
unhealthy habits to break
feeling of being wanted
replaced
burden, inconvenience, slowing

without holding my breath

smell of pancakes from someone else's window

and yet and yet and yet

no sign, evidence
polite reply

people i will never know
deleted
downgraded
out

drawn the curtains
certain concens
un-earned anxiety

too many pages spent
dial instead to OPEN

5 september

the angle at which i will have my hair cut
will remove the ends
split in all degrees of indecision
redirect my reflection
looking not at what is not
when the balance is of
nothing left to do but lean
all i see is me
continuing to ask

i will not do this for long
drift apart
until touch no longer leaves me
raw confused disappointed

somewhere to grow
drop the unnecessary
open up to else
take care to care

4 september

in the space where there is nowhere left to breathe - press open the door and burn down the clouds - there is no gate but a key - turned both ways, in and over again - rise so the weight is counted - wait so the street is crossed - no one needs to go out, no one needs to stay in - straight outta compromise and over the hill

3 september

saying goodbye is easier when you don't even need to say it - coming home to a bed quieter than loneliness - air conditioning blows gentle refresh air, sucking out humidity and putting a crisper edge on a night otherwise just dark, just late

2 september

and also with less time i would mainly just sleep less so let's keep going - what else is there to do? gift pen runs out, midwest talks south right out of convention - don't mention examples, don't get trampled by concrete - indiscreet reminders of the heaviness of abstracts in counteracting reality - progress - clarity - engagement - the fretful hypotheticals and the verbal freed of hyperbole - long-lasting and ongoing - make me never ever want to offer again - stand it or sit down or just walk away - play a different game with the same cards? hard enough to consider, harder still to deal - fill  up, feel up, save it all for later - never coming, running over like a cup without a watch that's missing its second

1 september

the feeling of pulling away, apart - end of vacation, return to the other - no comfort in the walking away, nothing to look forward to - leaving behind the ones who care - what else to hope for? unconditional, early wakeup, affirming and endearing - the guts of what matters - tears in the bathroom brushed back, disgust at the unfindable confirmation code - all i can put in is my name - what matters - who i am - wishing i was asleep - the voices of people i love drifting in and out of range in another room - how memories are made - spinning them out and reeling them back before the chance to let go - warm is cooled too fast, return to dark and tightclosed - how much can we carry along? how much can we keep warkindled, close enough to waken safe - knowing i am loved -