30 april

CYCLE

first

find

someone who would benefit from help

this should not be hard

almost everyone needs help

this help

you can provide

to be specific

or you can point in the right direction

and be along for the ride

possibly driving

as needed

decide

there will be many contenders

someone who shows up

continually

in shared space

and does not go away

is a simple choice

and requires

few modifications

next

listen

learning about this person’s life

more than you knew

taking on the questions and problems

wondering through the answers

become

a go-to

gather the celebrations, complaints

consider closely the details

sifting through like tea leaves

soon

help

in all ways always

indispensable is too strong to say

too rude aloud but

still the need to know

to keep up and to provide

wonder

where other days are spent

other messages are sent

balance examined is too closely seen

wanting more but

then

drain

the energy in the wrong directions

useless worry and wonder how it came to

how the imbalance

why always the responsibility

risk

choice words of clarity

hard to say, to hear: generating confusion

alternately, silence

ether diverting the path

nowhere to go from here but

done

confuse

thoughts through regret

both for starting and stopping

leaving lonely

seeking comfort

better to give

[repeat]

29 april

sometimes
i ask for
more than someone can give

and i end up
disappointed
this is safe
painful
but
shouldbe predictable

sometimes
i get it
and the stars outshine the night

28 april

remembering again --
nearly the same as
acknowledging forgetting --
i'd planned reading
as the alternative
not to waste time
but to divert unnecessary --
to build something good in the gaps
blotting up the sadness
something to listen for
to think after
beyond
how not to respond
when and if
and hope he doesn't
but the devastation of nothing
of being forgotten
of trying to forget
of the mundane and undramatic
escalated by absurdity --
a book i mean if i recall
could be just the thing

27 april

an ache --
in a different era
would not have been recognized
in the course of survivalseeking
through the avoidance of danger
accumulation of nutrients
persevering against odds
(fire, blizzard, wagon train) --
and even now, in such relative comfort
i cannot name or explain
adrift in ease and shouldbe finery

26 april

as if my bones needed a break
to be slid out gently
washed in warm water
toweled in fluffy white
allowed to rest in the sun
to recharge, strengthen
a few days, perhaps
cooling at night
balancing density, release
until ready, smoothslipped back
into place, easing up
stretching skyward, wide
taking in anything

25 april

angry would be easier
but the energy it takes --
and anyway what to make out of it
there's a full schedule
but on it --
let's start again.
once upon a nevermind
i'd like to clean that plate
no clearing the slate but anyway
if there's something to be gotten
i wish i knew
something that sticks
ticks under my skin
itches and anyway
what i wanted to say
how can i be bothered
clearing out the tangles
i am left with -- fine --
   closer to fine
   miscalculation
   again i am preferring the dark
weight of summer heavy sun
air conditioned bundle chill
extremes and must be grateful for
mind the next batch coming in
flowers for the coming, gone

24 april

hard to tell if it's something
in the air or in me
when i'm downtown
but there's a churning
buildup of makeworthy
createful strands
/other electricities/
is it that this nexus
pulls from so far
so many directions, spheres
FREE WORLD! ATTEND!
angels of our own authorship
gloria hallelujah
we hang our portraits
and paint our money with ourselves
buildings full of questions
tangled up in the asking
all our fondest hopes and more
relics and keepsakes
and that which we aim for
overhead flights strum the chords
hum with expectancy
tourists and wanderers
protesters healers colorists
soulfilling soup to inhale

23 april

what i am looking forward to
is made in bold strokes
black sharpie
in thick unapologetic declaration
paper of construction, of craft
building and gluing
cutting, exacting
the light will inform the viewing
but the dark will not stop the practice
stretch
grow
create

22 april

and i tried to listen more
but the words fall out
proud i had been silencecertain
and now - I was audienceready
never mind -
  some other quiet to settle

21 april

on the way home
i could focus in on
how right a baked potato
would feel on my tongue
a slice of cheese orangethick
dry and cool in contrast
the flat certainty of foods
i have come to ask for
more than is sensible
never mind the inconveniences, etc.
there are greening trees lining the road
and potato hot and right for dinner

20 april

yes, remember --
we correct the dialogue --
it's the past tense
because you're saying how your day was
and that's the past
we only talk about the past here

i say
we could talk about tomorrow
maybe

no
says the teacher
we can't tell the future
we don't have the grammar
in this unit

19 april

a compliment -- however --
uncomfortable, perched
itchy on the side of heard,
flashes toothy insolence
sure of its aim, if not balance
as the turn is away, is within
unplugging the cord
dimming the whats and the whositfors

18 april

the light dims
upon reflection, obvious
when i am too much
looking at myself
feeling -- slighted, assumed
looking out, instead,
for others
turns me up

reviewing resumes
more experience than
i hae been alive
to make possible
and yet
something i can offer

not this
selfull glass so empty
return, reset - resist

17 april

usually an index card
occasionally a sticky note
as if to say
i have frozen this moment
cataloged this half-thought
to cram into my pocket
fold into the library book
tuck behind the visor
so that if
    a large two letters
this slice should resurface
fluttering down from then
to the latest incarnation of now
i will drop it
tender and ready expandingly
into the page
exploding into fresh
the seamonkey the plant
the tiny foam in capsule now a giant sponge
shaped like a spaceship or a dinosaur
large grand full real
not a shrinkydink
not a shredded laundry clog
not an overdue returned forgotten

16 april

the tendency to overtip
hoping for balance in the universe

appreciating close attentiveness
of Ken whose accent
is more exquisite than plastic
and whose name was changed by Mattel
to be more pronounceable by Barbie

compliment from a stranger
in the street packed with boutiques
thank you yes it's from an exclusive
yes target

the assistance to tourist
buying smartrip cards
struggling with metro sense

balance up, down
deposit, withdrawal
the pleasant efforts, uncertain which will catch
still casting - hook so small
parts so unsettled
call -- response?
bill -- paid?

go it around, yes --
overgive whenever you can
there are no rules, no winning

15 april

slowing down to lean through the frame
one day only
catch the air, taste
no pressing to tomorrow
no pull of yesterday
a solid-sided day
framed by attention
what matters belong here
what doesn't can wait, can go
sidewalk salad dusk
grocery tulip jackfruit
milkshake brickwall hightop
extra blankets mysteries sleep

14 april

even as i'm sure it won't bother me
odd how it does
even balance for a stretch
odd glance, sound topples
even measured steps, breaths --
odd one out again
even though there can be no answer --
odd lots i add up to break

13 april

while i am asking
     Is the rice on sale?
because first i am A
and then we'll switch
i am concluding that a script
even if awkwardly constructed
really helps moves things along
each our part
name colon words to say
and likes like Do you have
a package of cheese at home?
are okay because the script says
just take it easy
play along

12 april

disappointment is
the difference between
imagined pasta grace
and the grainy disgust
of parmesan cheese
somehow spoiled and dry
scattered throughout
coating everything
obscuring flavor, taste
awful texture - grainy between teeth
blotting sauce and kittylittering noodles
never mind
grape juice instead

11 april

in the end
i imagine
the packages will arrive on a sunny day
will be picked up
at intervals
left to sit on the porch
until someone agrees decides
let's see what it is already
as if deciding what to send
was any simple task
and on this day
the sun will shine
and that american chocolate
a good idea she had
they will laugh
reduced to headshaking
will finger the dishtowels with
bunnies and towels
trace the elementary characters
spelling out greetings in
block awkwardness
had thought to send cash
but how much and how fair
and the cost to send five packages
over one hundred eighty dollars
they will shake their heads
smile with melted chocolate lips
our american cousin
she does try

10 april

not being run over
he continued -- not seeing it as continuing --
blissful and complete --
crossing the parking lot
in confident certainty
nothing could touch him
that he was in full control
that everything he could see
and even that he could not
would bow to him
and in this instance
he was right

had i a hat on
i would have tipped it
certain his eye twinkled
catching sunlight
or deference
the right of the nearly elderly
far from the confused wide-eyed blur of infancy
now sure of how the world works
free to ignore by preference
focus on what matters

tuscan bread
unripe bananas
white tulips

9 april

not suggesting it's that obvious
like EITHER/OR
but as i settle in
a second slice of buttered sourdough
thickening into my teeth
and another episode comes on
i pull up the quilt
tuck my feet beneath me
knowing that
whatever the alternative
even if i had the right clothes
the skills and savvy
all the prettiest prep bowls of ingredients
lined up fresh and waiting
promising intrigue romance fun flavor
i would be hardpressed
to justify the switch

8 april

whether Encyclopedia Brown
  or Nancy Drew - original
  and always best, in haze of
  flipping back memory, answers
  carefully tagged -
Poirot or Marple,
choose your own or
  Jeeves will choose for you -
there is an end to it
a discrete number of minutes, pages
you will have your satisfaction
you will - should you like - eat it, too
no confusion in the conservatory
  twistturn overnight worries
  wandering under street lamps
  gambling through noir
there are answers here
Mason will parry and thrust
Angela Lansbury will write
murdering the last scene in a frozen laugh
justice served, table cleared
case closes with the cover and the credits roll

7 april

on a different page
without quite so much space
i would have held my tongue
would have known better
thought twice and cut once
some kind of adages, added up
as it is --
the sneeze of my words
  spasmodic,
  unnecessary
creation for its own sound
I AM HERE/HEAR ME
and the space is
mercifully
gone

6 april

sometimes the issue is continuing
but most often, it's starting

once you're going, you are
although inertia is a force
   to be reckoned with
in addition to
everything you've heard on the bus
anything on the internet
rolled eyes in chemistry class
laughter in the bowling alley
note not meant for you
codes no ring could help
  no matter how much cereal
  how many cracker jacks
  how much patient belief
  and pencil sharpening

all you have to do is try
   says the gym teacher
    far on the other side of stereotype
going going still

5 april

cold

because cold air vents above my new desk
because toddlers sneeze openfaced generosity
because papercuts require mouth attention
because the weather cannot decide
because trees and breeze and allergies
because spring is an illusion
because accuweather projects thursday as dreary
because the migraine brochure is full of typos
because not enough sleep due to listing reasons
because there's no cure

4 april

scraping
as if the words were being lifted
-- sanded? plucked? --
from my throat
dreaming of honeythick cooling
the silence of no demands
to listen -- no need to deliver --

hard swallow

abstraction interrupted
swollen glands
neglect
dregs
residue of words unused
tucked aside for some other
once the laundry's done dishes
after all the elsework
still
serving the sentence to be paid
scraping by

3 april

out of time
  reread, not a bad thing
stepping apart - intentionally
[mine it is to reason why
mine to do before i why]
  again read as the wrong age
echoes: too young at the grown-up table
always uneasy among the right group

now the chance to stop the clock
open the face and swing the hand
shake them, at least
solid enough, but relative
now we've all decided: April
and now: Daylight Savings
and today: My Work Here Is Done

zoom in on the second hand --
more than just for guessing
missed and whisked away
like so many pennes
left on the sidewalk parkinglot ground
added up --
but here
now it's time for now

2 april

sitting up i see a different picture
down i am -- but let me restart

this morning thickly spread rain
cool through the window
halfdream of pulling on second blanket
returning to abstract logic, plots
chilled surprise awake: single blanket only

still i keep thinking i am about to do something
stepping farther back from the start
planning angles, surveying
from here i can almost see --

but again inaction,
waking up to realize i'm still cold

1 april

home from work
opening the door
to my apartment
stepping into
the space before sleep
thick
a vegetarian's assumption
of bologna
(not baloney)
moist and stale
held in a waiting case
nothing changed since
the last time
(solitary deli dweller)
shuffling
slicing off intervals
thick, thin
a pile before bed
inevitable, machined
no need to take a number
sink into the cellophane
wrap and tag and pass along
sanitary silence
darkness serves us all