30 june

one of the things i am most likely to hear myself thinking is I WISH I WAS ASLEEP and yet given the chance i seem to turn in some other direction that keeps my eyes open hours and minutes and ore so that in a few hours when i wake up i will repeat the same thought and struggle to break free

29 june

if it was easier
everyone would know
would have one
would cart the circus around
like a pony with a brandnew bicycle
it's a holiday, you know?
no one's got gum i can't chew
if you see what i mean
and man, even if you don't
i can shake loose a quarter from a roll
make you forget how you like your eggs
roll that honey, spend your light --
toast on the porch for me tonight!

28 june

because i like to get things done
because accomplishment validates
  no matter how irrelevant to others
because i could be alone forever
  not knowing better
because lists and crossing things off
because i am what i do
  as if in only one arena
because my only good balance is physical
  have not been to yoga in months
  have not left before 6 in blank
because no one likes to have their failings highlighted
because i am not great at keeping up
  focusing all my attention narrowly
because i want to grow
                want to know better
              i am listening

27 june

i'll let you go
again again
interruptions notwithstanding
bite your tongue keep it in your pocket
lock the box to never open
bringing up the wrong words scenes senses
losing track of dimensions, falling through the stage
what i meant to say was what i meant to mean
does anyone really listen
here i hear me listening through echoes of my thoughts
caught like fish in a barrel full of monkeys
pick the phone up, turn the night off
sorry i couldn't put down my
let's table that for never
clever words are worthless when
there is something wrong
tired maybe or disappointed
other cheek away
distance is not the space between
darker night to fall

26 june

and if later, the question was asked
why didn't i try something else
how could i let go so easily
i would remember the flare-up fears
the struggles to act normal
noworries hurrying out of the way to release the lashout
the sadness of rejection long-expected
how to see the mirror through so much else?

25 june

over the new leaf
under the header TAKE TWO
or however many
you know
we are hitting the refresh button
gluttons for astonishment
and other fairly tall tales
to have and to hold
close and warm and far
the storm is parked in the harbor
for departure or to sink

24 june

it's usually not that complicated
the dude picked up this ice scraper
the windshield cracked
it's always covered by insurance
that's just the dude's luck
nothing would have happened to anyone else
i'm in the left-hand turn lane
i inch forward

23 june

while i thought
even as the clouds turned
lightning struck
the calendar spun
dates erased
names replaced
these are the spaces left
stretching out -- touching chill --
turning in, away

22 june

victory melts
homerun day that dissolves into dark clouds
anxiety swirls and i am pulled down
forecasting my own bad news
my own eyes seeing what others can not
the source of the problem
too good a thing to destroy
too good a thing to keep close

21 june

because it is so magic that we ever met at all
let alone again, as if for the first time
because it's so hard to believe
because i let me go, but you still won't
as if you know better
because waking up with you is clear and right
because falling asleep in your warmth is safe

20 june

because i can not get over
traps i set myself
learned behavior i struggle to unlearn
it's raining and i like it
i do not climb the mountain
i shrink
spinning out gravel and dust
lost in my own rearview
throwing up apologies
shaking head, not hands

19 june

an occasion
on occasion
twisting to turn the page through day
on the next rotation
what will the alignment show
chiropractic astrology
forecast the backbone
mumble through the weeds
stepping out of the way
nothing gold to stay

18 june

literally
i am more figuratively tired
than in any other way
metaphors and overboards
push and fall
drop and carry
nothing on but earrings
hardly full and dearing
if there's nothing else
i'd prefer to be excused
two truths and i fly
hanging up on hanging out
saying no to yes
secondary stitches and a weaker rope to fail

17 june

because my favorite humor
is the situational, improv, random variety,
not so much the joketelling stand-up kind,
i laughed
finding bill murray in line with me
at airport security
you're only allowed to keep your shoes on
if you've got stinky feet
the woman beside me apologized repeatedly
as if recognizing a celebrity were a sin
but only if you acknowledged it
nonplussed, he was
i laughed

16 june

readily we answer
too soon to sort sense
kitchen appliances, reliance on drivethrough
muscle ache on the right side
wheel of fortune on the bright side
we are answering our own, still classified ads
subtracting covert operations
scripting subsequent conversations
let me read you the menu
let me candle the wind, your ears
here your voice hears my silence
whisper wander wilt

15 june

and the next day
i may feel foolish
ragdoll tired and somewhat more content

raging and railing up no more steps
stairs down ladders and chutes
when yesterday -- also flag, fail

forgive us ourselves
we have so few other choices

14 june

a glutton for mutton unchopped
whiskey on the face
chalky on the board
isn't it all so beautiful
wasn't everyone so wonderful
press my face into the dust
tumbledown disappointment
always in myself
always at myself

13 june

feeling alone when i'm not supposed to
characters out of line
tiny dancers and rubix cubes
spin - twist - turn - return
deep in my own shadow

12 june

but when and if i get up
nothing on the table will justify
breakfast is the only sense
coffee and comics and butter on bread
there must be always something to look forward to
an end of pain, of worry
otherwise pull the night up

11 june

and on the menu
sometimes
there are all kinds of things
you've never heard of
and sometimes
even when you've ordered something else
it's those other kinds of things
you get served

10 june

afterward i will wondering
wandering through possibilities
cataloging dogmas
no end to opportunity
no chances for immunity
it's catching
the whatif ifthen wherefore
art thou an ark to ride away on
to skip the flood that tangled the weeds
that knocked down the house that jack built
and furthermore
i would really prefer not to dream

5 june

but this time
i will also ask questions
will not apologize unnecessarily
all of these are decisions
consistent persistent repeated
the overthink could be underdone
all the prepositional phases
we go through

4 june

the hard thing about hard things
goes from good to great then downhill
before you can have a crucial conversation
a fierce conversation
those little bets to manage the unexpected
leave challengers sailing away without wind
a race to the top of the shelf

3 june

don't mind the calendar
come on in
there's no place to fit?
don't worry about that at the moment
who needs a foothold --
     a toehold, even --
let me look again
november might work
or again
by then
we might not

2 june

but what makes me good at my job
considering how much the world depends on me
on the difference i can make
usually by trying harder, working more
often makes me bad at my life
considering how much the world does not depend on me
on the difference i make
usually on the non-life-changing
and yet

1 june

but i'm still here
much of the cast has changed
the setting, once or twice
a few plot points have been re-plotted
i feel like the climax
maybe i missed it
maybe there were too many to tell
if i drew the diagram --
freitag, we're talking now --
i'm not sure
if it would be up or down from here
working on my lines
running a few different scripts
it's hard to tell, you know
the curtain's been up this whole time