30 november

You know how it is when you’re almost there? But you’re not? There’s a strange space that exists when you feel that you’re getting closer to the end -- and you can see the finish line approaching, and it’s closer than it’s ever been before -- but yet, in these unfortunate cases, you find yourself stuck in the air. Nothing is stopping you -- inertia should be pushing, you, right? Gravity itself should be pulling you in, right to the core of success. Faster. Speedier. Physics, et. al. Right?

And yet.

Somehow.

There’s a feeling, sometimes, that you are getting slowly stuck. Like everything is getting more steadily slowed down and broken down into microsteps instead of the leaps and bounds that you were so easily accomplishing before. That rapidfire progress of the past is somehow drifting out of your grasp -- how were you ever able to get so much done so fast?

When it slows further, you feel that you are suddenly swimming in a pool of honey. Moving is possible, but it’s ridiculous. How are you supposed to get anywhere in this situation? Doesn’t anyone else see what is happening here? Why isn’t anyone helping?

Further, the honey starts to harden. You imagine you will be stuck -- one of those insects embedded forever in a resin necklace. Disgusting. But it’s impossible to escape. Where was the finish line again?

29 november

How must it sound? To say that what she is writing is coming true? A simple answer: it must sound ridiculous. She punched out the numbers on the keyboard and thought this through. While she did not love math, there was something about the simple calculations involved in managing a store well, sort of managing the store, as much as she could manage. Math was clear. Whenever there was a problem, there was a solution. Maybe this was only true because she worked math at its most simple levels, but still. Why had she had this conversation with Dennis? Maybe she should wait and have this talk with the teacher. But really, she wanted to get to the end already. How could she go back and make changes and improvements if she didn't have a draft? But, if this hilarious and ridiculous Theory were true, what if she was taking lives in her hands every time she wrote something new? Wasn't it safer for all of the characters if she proceeded with a plan in mind? Not for the first time, she thought about how glad she was not to be God. If such a thing or being or person or entity or whatever even existed. Humans can create anything, of course.

28 november

Sitting at a red light, each of us in our own little tuna cans, each one of us is secretly a dolphin, we are all contemplating the net. The next game, the net worth. What our net will get in the next paycheck. So much to lose. So little to gain. Nets are made of holes, after all. And so the holy rolling continues. The light is green. Go, go, go.

27 november

Sometimes, meaning times like this, she just wanted to drive. Where was unimportant. Who had a destination in mind anyway? There was only forward. Away. Maybe toward something unknown.

It’s not like she was some amazing driver or had some amazing car or whatever, but she loved the feeling of progress. Stillness was fine sometimes, but motion and getting there and the wind and a bit of blur could help burn off whatever might be hanging on and dragging down.

It wasn’t necessarily a logical thing. But this was America. Not to say there was no logic, but to confirm the love of the open road. As a country significantly reliant upon its citizens owning or renting or otherwise getting about in cars in order to make it from one place to another, there was no need to justify this need for -- if not speed, at least movement.

Welcome Interstate Managers! came to her mind. What’s that? Modest Mouse, maybe? Anyway, an album. No -- Fountains of Wayne. Duh.

Thank you, gas stations of America!

Thank you, highway system!

Gratitude always helped, when it was possible to muster.

26 november

This is why he was checking his phone. This is why everyone else was checking their phones. Not because his wife would apologize to them -- or anyone, at any time, for any reason. But because something might happen suddenly. For better or for worse -- and suddenly the rest of those standard marriage vows filled the rest of the sentence -- for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health: anything could happen, and life might change in an instant.

He looked up. Everyone else was looking down. Suddenly someone caught his eye. And gave it back. End of interaction. The crowd shifted, and that someone was gone. It had been a familiar face. A man? He wasn’t even sure. It didn’t matter. The eye had been returned.

25 november

Sometimes you're driving away from the place and you feel like your heart will break.. Anyway, where else do you have to go? Where else will you be treated so kindly? Where else would you be loved, hug, cuddled, and altogether paid attention to? This is the wonder of having a family. Whether it's your parents, your siblings, or anyone else you're lucky enough to be related to, driving away seems like the stupidest thing that you could do. While you are there, you may be annoyed by the smallest things. You wonder why people don't just take your advice. You wonder why you're not just in charge of this whole thing anyway. You are an idiot to wonder this. It would be exhausting to be in charge of everything. And yes, the way some people do things shocks you and baffles you. However, to return to the point, as you drive away, you will wonder why you are driving away. Where did you say you were going?

As you drive away, you will think of all the mistakes that you're making in your own personal life. You wonder why you always seem to take the wrong things so seriously. You wonder why it seems that everyone else has long since figured this whole thing out. You wonder why you seem to be the only one without a clue. The only one driving home alone. The only one driving home to an empty house. And then, if the universe is aligned correctly, something will happen to remind you. Something will happen, like a beautiful sunset. It sounds like a ridiculous hypothetical line from a greeting card, but you can believe me, that's really what just happened. If you've put in your time, your energy, and enough good deeds, hopefully the universe will occasionally reward you with a sunset to make the difference.

24 november

So, as a writer, it’s no surprise that I like these explorations. If you’ve been trying to track which characters are moving forward and which are moving backward, plus wondering where I’m headed with any of this, you’re in good company. I’m right there with you. Even though, as a reader, I enjoy the satisfaction of reaching the perfectly formulated solution of a well-crafted plot puzzle, as a writer, I trend in a different direction.

Consider what it would be like if you already knew the end of your life. Or, let’s not be so dramatic. Let’s say you know exactly how some big puzzle in your life will work out. Then what? Do you just plod along until it happens? Are you inspired to try to change the outcome? Do you live your life differently with this knowledge in mind? Do you live your live at all?

Free will, you know. I’m into that. I like it for myself and I like it for my characters. As a result, I’m not always sure where they’re going. Even as I catch glimpses, based on the foreshadowing they’ve somehow managed to toss back to me, I really try to keep them a bit in the dark. It’s only fair. If we were on stage and I told you that by the end of the next forty pages, you’d need to be seven more steps toward stage right, what would you do? I think I’d leave. Just try to tell me what to do!

I want to see every possibility! What happens if I run away? What happens if I dance? (Honestly, I hope you do, because I’m surely not about to.) What about all the parallel universes in which I make different choices? What if?

Ahem.